“If our condemnation hurts you it’s because you know we’re right” – some musings on the “sin of homosexuality”

Most of the people I interviewed expressed learning through language and actions, that to be gay was the worst thing one could be or “do.” They received the impression that to be a homosexual was more terrible, more destructive, more deserving of censure than being a drug addict, a domestic abuser, a rapist, a pedophile, a criminal, or a pregnant teen. –Pray Away the Gay: The Extraordinary Lives of Bible Belt Gays by Bernadette Barton

Imagine you wake up one day and you’re an abuser. You don’t want to be, you just are. Unlike other abusers, you don’t take any pleasure or power from it. You aren’t able to mentally justify it to yourself. And yet you still are this way. A decent person like you, and you’re an abuser. You go to bed and you realize you’re a rapist. You wake up in the morning and you realize you’re a child molester. This horrifying knowledge constantly plaguing you, never ending, every second of your life you are this. And you can’t seem to change it, and no matter how much you fight it, how much you pray it away, how much you hate it, how evil you feel, it won’t go away. And it’s not a one time thing that makes you so, it’s every second of your life is a new moment to be guilty of the crime of abusing and raping.

Would that, I don’t know, maybe make you depressed? Self-hating? Suicidal? In some way mentally fuck you up?

This is why it’s such a purposeful lack of self-awareness when conservative Christians decide that the damage they do is actually just an inherent part of the “sin of homosexuality.” They disconnect themselves from any and all responsibility of the things they say. I’ve read “well, all kids are bullied, so the fact that these kids have such higher rates of depression/suicide, etc. is proof that there’s something wrong with them.”

But it’s not just that, and it’s disingenuous to say so. The conservative Christian message is that not only are you as bad as an abuser/rapist/child molester, you are actually worse than one. And it’s not just implied, but rather blatantly fucking clear. Conservative Christians practically set up a nice, cushy spot for rapists and abusers, in comparison to the way that they treat anyone who falls outside the parameters of heterosexuality. Could I be out at my church and be as accepted as a member the way that my sex offender brother (who never officially repented at that) was? I’m sure I would have to repentant, I would have to work at my “sin”, I would not be granted the ability to just slide right in and have people falling over me to prove that they are forgiving Christians.

That is not an implication, that is practically a billboard: We accept those who rape children. We don’t accept you. You are more vile, more evil, more unsafe, than a rapist.

Except that, unlike my fucking brother who doesn’t give a fuck about who he hurts, your average gay person is not without a conscious. So how do you reconcile wanting to be a decent person with the knowledge that you are personally more evil and dangerous to the world around you than a rapist? You can’t.

I’m a survivor. If I’m not just terrified of perpetuating abuse, someone else is sure reminding me that I’ve got the potential. I think nearly every other day, “If I were to ever hurt a child, I would kill myself.” Is that something wrong with me? That my gut reaction to the idea of being an abuser is that I would kill myself? I doubt it. If you thought you’d abused a kid, wouldn’t that be your horrified gut reaction?

They can’t pretend that this isn’t the message. Even among the “love the sinner, hate the sin” types, even among the ones that claim it’s not the feelings, it’s the action that’s a sin. Imagine if you drinking water was a sin. Imagine if being thirsty wasn’t a sin, but drinking water was. You can have diet soda. You can have as much diet soda as you want to quench your thirst, but you can never have water because water is a sin. You shouldn’t be craving water, it’s not really okay, if you were a healthy person you should feel guilty over wanting water, but you’re okay just as long as you drink diet soda.

It is a purposeful level of ignorance and a twisting of blame, to think just bullying like everyone else goes through (the idea of “just bullying” is also laughable, but that’s a different topic) or that any of these feelings are an inherent part not having Christian-approved heterosexual feelings. I don’t even think at this point that it’s simply not seeing what they’ve done, I think it’s willful. They turn the knife blade in the wounds they’re making and claim your pain is a part of the sickness you caused because it works for them. Because this is a Christianity that thrives on the idea that God gives an ultimatum to worship him or go to hell and rejecting that ultimatum means you freely, consciously, and willingly made the choice to suffer eternally forever, with God having no responsibility for creating that ultimatum in the first place. Because their “Biblical worldview” allows them to wipe their hands of the responsibility that their beliefs, words, and actions cause and believe that it’s all on the people around them. It’s easy, it absolves them of blame, why wouldn’t they ignore what they do?

You are more evil, sinful, unsafe, and more harmful to others than a rapist. And if that makes you upset, it’s because you know it too.”

What perfect abusive, controlling, and manipulative logic.